Dear Zed - 10/27/23

If you have a question for Zed, please email dearzed@shamblingbraineaters.com.

My friend found this book:

Dear Zed, my friend recently took a vacation. She collects rare and unusual books. While she was in [REDACTED] she found this odd little book shop. While she was there, she found a small book with a blank leather cover that was obviously extremely old. She speaks a few languages but couldn’t recognize even the alphabet used. She tried to take a picture with her phone to send to me, but her camera wasn’t able to capture the lettering. The book was perfectly clear but the pages look blank in the photos. Maybe it is the weird shade of red ink used.

Anyways, my friend tried to go back to the book shop to ask the proprietor if he knew anything about the book. But all she found was an overgrown vacant lot. She asked around town about the store but nobody had any idea what she was talking about. With the exception of one elderly woman who just laughed maniacally and walked away.

Ashley will be home in a few days. When she gets back, we’re going to try to tackle this mystery together. I was just wondering if you had any ideas where I might start?

Thank you in advance,
Cheryl

Linda:

While this type of thing is outside of my wheelhouse, I had a gut feeling. So, I reached out to our staff expert Dr Chet Stetson. He had quite a bit to say on the matter, actually. I’m going to paraphrase most of it due to the excessive amount of profanity he used. But I will tell you his initial reaction verbatim: “oh fuck, not again.” He then began ranting about “mad Arabs” or something of that nature. I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying.

But after a few swigs from the flask he always carries, he calmed down a bit and offered the following advice: Do not show the book to anyone. Do not attempt to decipher the text. Consider putting in a box with iron hinges and putting the box inside a ring of salt. And this is a direct quote “Do not under any circumstance read any of the passages out loud.” He will be reaching out to you directly to offer assistance. But he feels that going into any details in this format would be “highly inappropriate and bordering on dangerous.”

My daughter….

Dear Zed, I have a problem. My daughter has been bitten by a… well you know…. (sorry, even in text I can’t bring myself to use the Z word). Is there anything I can do to save her?
Grace

Grace,

Respectfully, what is wrong with you? How entitled do you have to be to try and “save” your daughter from gift that has been given to her? Sure, her personality will change. And there might be some odor. But with proper care and regular feeding, your daughter has a bright future ahead of her. She might not “survive” in the classic sense. But I promise you she can thrive.

My recommendation would be to reach out to the “People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies”. PETZ has some wonderful resources for folks in your position and counselors to work with you during this time of change. But understand that for this to work out, you have to be willing to change with her. You don’t have to become a zombie. You just have to adjust your views. Because the only “cure” for your daughter is a bullet to the head. I don’t want to see that happen. And I don’t think you do either, or you wouldn’t have written to me.

While I may have started off a bit harsh, I really do wish you both the best.

That’s going to wrap it up for this week my fiends. Until next week, stay groovy.